Yesterday I went to the hospital for a doctor’s appointment. I had hoped to never return there again, but I guess I was wrong. I have something called Celiac Disease. It’s an incurable disease that’s been attacking my joints and slowly deteriorating them since I was about 9. I sank into depression and wallowed in self-pity when I was 10. And struggled with climbing out of that pit when I was 11. I went completely Gluten Free and slowly but surely recovered. (But then I relapsed this past March so no, this is not a success story.) It was the second hardest thing I’ve ever done. The first being what I went through last year. I had a nasty battle with hypocritical people, insecurity, and self-loathing. And that was just the beginning. No one ever mentions what happens in the in between. The moments between breaking free and letting go. No one mentions how much guilt is felt for wrongly handled situations. They just mention the aftermath. And if you are right now in that awkward middle, you HAVE to KEEP MOVING FORWARD! No one can help you but God and yourself.
So when I stepped into that dreaded hospital after 4 years of thinking I was off the hook, I’ll admit I was pretty upset. I thought I could beat it. This disease festering inside of me even now as I write. I thought I would win. But now I’ve accepted the fact that it’s never going away. I remember when I was younger, I thought God would heal me like he did with so many others. I prayed and pleaded, but he didn’t. This disease is just going to get stronger. It could very easily cripple me and in the end maybe even kill me. But I’m okay with that. Cause as I walked into that hospital, I realized I don’t need it, my body. And I don’t need to let a broken body lead to a broken heart. It was never the disease I needed to beat, but the depression and self hatred.
I have never been happier in my entire life. I have never been more free or alive as I am now. Why? Because I will not be beaten! Not ever as long as I have God by my side. With him I am invincible. I am unbreakable. I am fearless. I am alive. I will never let depression and self hatred get a hold of me again. My soul is unbridled, my heart in God’s hands.
I’ll soon be starting physical therapy and I have a long, hard road ahead of me. But I will not be shaken. I now know the secret to acceptance and freedom from my past. It’s to keep moving forward. It’s to not pray for my troubles to go away, but for my negative outlook to go away. I can do this. I am ready. Let the fun begin!