Monthly Archives: October 2014

Living & Thriving vs Only Surviving

Well, it’s the eve of my 16th birthday. I must say, I didn’t think I’d live this long. I’ve battled depression, disease, bullies, and even death. I’m a survivor to say the the least. Life hasn’t been fair to me. I’ve had to fight and work hard for everything. It’s a struggle to live sometimes. Notice I said “live”. See, what I’ve learned about myself lately is that I’m a survivor. But I suck at actually living my life. I’ve always let my survival instinct kick in and forgotten that I need to live my life to the fullest. What brought me to this realization? A TV show (yes, the Lord DOES work in mysterious ways!) I was watching Once Upon A Time and as always, there was a crisis in Storybrooke. So the protagonist, Emma Swan, jumps into action to save the day- this time from a giant snowman, sorry, spoilers….- Emma has always been a survivor. She stays strong cause she has to. Which is something I can totally relate to! But while she tries to save the day, she tends to neglect her family, friends, and boyfriend. Finally, her boyfriend stops her and says ” Swan, there’s ALWAYS going to be a crisis, you can’t forget to live in the middle of them!” And then it hit me : that’s been my problem all along!  I put off living. I think: “I can enjoy myself and live AFTER the crisis is over” But then disaster strikes again and again and I end up avoiding living! It has to stop! I need to stop going through the motions. My life is never going to be easy so I can’t keep on waiting for my troubles to end. I want to thrive. There’s a huge difference between living and thriving versus only surviving. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to see it!

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The Moments in Between

There’s a moment in between
Right when you’ve got your wings
You’re not sure what to do
Am I free? Should I fly?

There’s a moment in between
When you’re grown and just a kid
You’re afraid to let go
Is this right? Could I fly?

There’s a moment in between
Right when you let a person go
The guilt is hard to bear
Will I live? Would I fly?

There’s a moment in between
When you’re born and when you die
But you must cherish it all
You are free to choose. You can dare to fly.

-Kaitlyn Cruz

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Could’ve Been WorseΒ 

I’ve had a pretty rotten week. It started with on Monday when I went to the hospital for a doctor’s appointment. It’s been about 3 years since I was last there. I thought I would never go back. I thought I had beaten it. Celiac disease. But no, it’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life. So the results of the checkup came back Wednesday and now I’m on three different medications. One of them keeps on making me nauseous and the other might cause me to lose my eyesight completely. I’m scared silly and its taken all I have not to dissolve into a puddle of tears. All those old feelings and memories from when I was younger have come rushing back and I can feel myself breaking under the pressure if it all.

The only thing that’s keeping me from not breaking is God. And the thought that it could be worse. I remember when I was 7, I was going to the hospital for a appointment and I was scared and confused and I felt like such a freak cause no one knew what was wrong with me. I was going to get more blood work and have a bunch of doctors poke and prod at me, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. And as I was on the elevator, a woman who was holding a bunch of balloons spoke to my mom and I. She looked tired and sad. She said “Oh, my daughter is about your age. It’s her birthday today. She lives here in the hospital and I’m coming to visit her. If you have the time, maybe you could visit her? She’d love the company!”

We never did visit the girl and never saw the woman again. But I’ll always remember what that showed me. It showed me that it could always be worse and that I need to be grateful for my life and health. Sure, my life sucks sometimes and I’m having a really hard time coping, but I’m alive, I have a family who loves me, I have a God who died so I could live. I shouldn’t throw that away. I can still walk for now, I can still see. I can still live. And as hard as it is, I have to trust that God knows what he’s doing. My future is so uncertain right now. I can feel it slipping away. But I have hope that maybe some good will come of this. It has to.

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