I’ve had a pretty rotten week. It started with on Monday when I went to the hospital for a doctor’s appointment. It’s been about 3 years since I was last there. I thought I would never go back. I thought I had beaten it. Celiac disease. But no, it’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life. So the results of the checkup came back Wednesday and now I’m on three different medications. One of them keeps on making me nauseous and the other might cause me to lose my eyesight completely. I’m scared silly and its taken all I have not to dissolve into a puddle of tears. All those old feelings and memories from when I was younger have come rushing back and I can feel myself breaking under the pressure if it all.
The only thing that’s keeping me from not breaking is God. And the thought that it could be worse. I remember when I was 7, I was going to the hospital for a appointment and I was scared and confused and I felt like such a freak cause no one knew what was wrong with me. I was going to get more blood work and have a bunch of doctors poke and prod at me, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. And as I was on the elevator, a woman who was holding a bunch of balloons spoke to my mom and I. She looked tired and sad. She said “Oh, my daughter is about your age. It’s her birthday today. She lives here in the hospital and I’m coming to visit her. If you have the time, maybe you could visit her? She’d love the company!”
We never did visit the girl and never saw the woman again. But I’ll always remember what that showed me. It showed me that it could always be worse and that I need to be grateful for my life and health. Sure, my life sucks sometimes and I’m having a really hard time coping, but I’m alive, I have a family who loves me, I have a God who died so I could live. I shouldn’t throw that away. I can still walk for now, I can still see. I can still live. And as hard as it is, I have to trust that God knows what he’s doing. My future is so uncertain right now. I can feel it slipping away. But I have hope that maybe some good will come of this. It has to.