Monthly Archives: February 2015

Mood Swings, Lack of Sleep, and Other Signs of Junioritis 

In the span of 10 minutes I have felt anxious, depressed, elated, tearful, and angry. My room is a mess, I have way too much school and I’m trying to find a job. And I’m also having trouble balancing my schedule and keeping my normally non exsistant feelings in line. Oh great, my older sister just started to get weepy. She’s kindly helping me with my room and she’s trying to rearrange my furniture but it’s not working and I think my mood swings are rubbing off on her. 

I’ve started to avoid my problems instead of solving them and when I’m not doing that, I’m working super hard on math but I’m a few years behind and I have the ACT test in June and I don’t feel like I’m making a dent in all this work so that’s kinda depressing. I just need the school year to be over. And for the sun to come out and I wish it would stop snowing! 

So yeah, I guess this constitutes as Junioritis.  Do I continue to work hard till bedtime or should I call it quits and just go to sleep? Hmm I guess going to sleep equals quitting…. Oh dear me… She’s crying again. I should probably try to work at piecing together the depressing remains of my day….

Well I hope you all are having a nice day. I’ll write later, bye



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Death to “If Only….”

So I was thinking about time travel earlier and I was asking myself that serious, deep question we all have asked ourselves at one point: If I had a time machine, where would I go and would I change anything? (Stop laughing! I actually think about this stuff, okay?!) I thought about the usual: Kill Hitler, find out what REALLY happened to the lost village of Roanoke, retake a test, and of course; Find the Doctor and T.A.R.D.I.S.!

And then I asked myself a different question: If I could change anything about my past, would I and if so, what? I still can’t decide whether or not to give little 11-year-old me a hope speech or slap my 13-year-old self in the face for being an annoying know-it-all.
But unfortunately I can’t do either because our lives are one seemingly cruel game of ‘Cause and Effect’
If I gave my 11-year-old self a pep talk, then I never would’ve learned to put my trust in God and well, there’s also the fact I would’ve been totally creeped out and screamed instead of listened.
And if I slapped my 13-year-old self-beside the fact that I would’ve caused one heck of a paradox!- I never would’ve realized on my own that:
1) Know it all’s are super annoying and a huge turn-off
2) That we are finite creatures with finite minds that on the large scale of things has the comprehensive abilities of a 5-year-old so we have no business whatsoever waltzing around like we know even a fraction of everything.

What I’ve been through has made me who I am and what our world has been through has shaped it exactly how it’s supposed to be. I’m not saying what’s going on in our world is right or fair, cause it’s not. Even my own life has never been fair. And because of that I understand that everything follows a constant pattern. A pattern that’s messy and chaotic, no doubt. But underlying that is a work of art in the making. I don’t understand how, and most of the time I don’t like the world I’m being forced to adapt to. But I also know that we can’t dwell on the ‘If Only’s’

I’m also extremely tired so it’s probably a mistake to publish this when it was written this late. But I’m going to do it anyway cause my judgment is currently impaired! Wheeeeeee! Yeah, so, um, enjoy I guess. Yeah…I need sleep and- zzzzzzzzz (;

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More Than A Face

It’s late so I really should be asleep but I just finished “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” and now I’m sad because every girl in the book had low self esteem and that’s heart breaking for me. Because a couple years ago that was me. I can still remember what it’s like to hate myself. It was horrible. And so now I’m thinking about how many girls went to bed tonight hating themselves and how many will carry their low self esteem into adulthood.

I wish girls would just see that they’re more than just a face. And that it’s more important to try living a beautiful life by being themselves rather than striving for a beautiful body or face. I wish someone helped me realize that back when I was 14. If I could’ve seen that what makes me beautiful was not my face or how many people liked me, but the funny laugh I do when I’m really happy or how my eyes light up when I’m talking about astronomy or books, or even the way that I study and bust out into a perfect Russian accent to help me remember things.
And if I can be that complex and weirdly stunning at the same time, then so can everyone else. I really do care about who ever bothers to read my blog and so I mean it when I say that I hope you think you’re beautiful and precious. Please don’t hate yourself.

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“It’s Complicated”

I’ve been to a lot of churches. Last year alone, I attended 3. Which sadly isn’t an all time high. When my family first came to the state we currently are in, we attended a different church every week for about five months. Then we found a baptist church we liked and attended there for about 6 months. Then we left that church and attended a different baptist church for a year and a half. Then we spent three months at another church, eight months at the one after that. Then we quit going to church for about two years.

By that time I was 12. In March of 2011, we tried something different. A Non-Denominational church. We stayed at that church for 3 years and left in March of 2014. Then we attended a Methodist church till about November and now we’re at a Pentecostal church.

“Okay, so what’s your point, other than to get some pity? ” you’re probably asking right about now.
Well…. I’m not even fully sure. I just feel that something is missing from church and I think I’m finally starting to discover what. I was taught by the Baptists that the only thing worse than a sinner, is a sinner who isn’t at church every time the doors are open. But now, I think they’re wrong. I don’t like church anymore. I’m tired of people telling me who God is or isn’t. I’m tired of the whole show that churches give. I just want something real, for church to stop translating God.

Going to churches of several denominations has shown me that not one of them have it right. They each see God differently. They all simplify and box and confine God just so they can wrap their tiny minds around him.
To Baptists, God is unreachable. A wrath filled judge who is waiting to strike us with lightning if we so much as think of sinning. To the Non Denominational’s, God is a merely the father of their real hero: Jesus. They just focus on his forgiving son cause it’s a lot more comfortable. For Methodists, God is just a Father who gives you what you want and feeds you happy pills. Basically just one of the perks of being a Christian. They sing songs of praise to someone that they don’t even know and stay in the lines where it’s safe. And Pentecostals don’t even mention God or Jesus! They just focus on the Holy Spirit which is what they call that that wave of emotion they feel whenever someone says “praise God!”

Imagine you’re about to go out with someone who your best friend hooked you up with. Before you go, he or she hands you a huge binder. ” This is a little something I put together for you. In here is everything about who I hooked you up with, even down to how he thinks so you don’t end up messing up the relationship before it’s had a chance to blossom. Read it, learn it, love it!” As you stand there dumbfounded because 1) you can’t believe your friend wasted their time putting this together and; 2) they just ruined the entire point of talking to someone, you manage to mutter a “Thanks”. On your way to the restaurant, you flip through the book. Oh shoot, it says here that he has some anger issues…. Well maybe You can just over look that part…. What!? He doesn’t like country music!?
All the sudden you don’t want to meet him. What’s the point? Everything you need to know is right here! Why even bother actually establishing a relationship with this guy?!

That’s what churches do.
Baptists hand you a manual titled “God: Everything You Need To Know About Him So You Don’t Need To Get Know Him”.
And for Non Denominational’s: “Jesus: How He Behaved And Thought (so you can follow his lead!)”

And I’ll just stop there cause I really don’t feel like debating with half the country.

I’m also not a heathen or atheist so don’t regard what I’m about to say as blasphemy.
Here goes : we cannot understand God by reading about him or talking to him every once in awhile to ask him not to let our dog die. He is too complicated. The God of the Universe, who created laughter and black holes, the water you just drank , and quarks, gluons, tachyons and every atom that makes not only the air you breath, but the distant worlds you see as you gaze into the night sky. The God who made our very souls and our intricate minds. We can’t comprehend the complex system of stars and galaxies that we call our home with our equally complex minds that have confused scientists for a very long time. And yet, we have the audacity to simplify God! And that, my readers, is our problem.
We only focus on one aspect of him. We sing praise to someone we don’t even know. We take the perilous and mind opening adventure of getting to experience the life changing and by far the most complex relationship ever and what do we do? We simplify him like he’s a math problem. The interest many show is equal to that of trying to identify the mutated leftovers in our fridge. (Which, to be fair, can be a satisfying endeavor)

I want to know God for who he truly is, not for who the church has always told me he is. I’m not trying to emotionally manipulate anyone, I’m just trying to find something real and true. And if me writing about this adventure I’m embarking on offends anyone, well then just stop reading.

Well I can already hear the hate I’m going to get for voicing my thoughts…. This should be fun!


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