I Need Write Again! (ft. a rant about arthritis and a mini identity crisis)

Hello! It has been way too long since I’ve written anything and I’ve been trying to get myself to sit down in front of my laptop and just type but I haven’t because since I’ve been home for break, I’ve been really thrown off schedule and I’m also an idiot who stopped taking her pain medication cause certainly the pain couldn’t be that bad but OH GOD NO THAT WAS A MISTAKE. Like that cat stuck in a jar meme. So now I’m typing this all on my phone, after having taken pain meds just so I could go to sleep because everything was hurting. And I mean everything. Like the third knuckle on my toe.Hurting. My hands, my elbows, my ankles, my back and shoulders. And my right knee, which has never given me problems, is hurting and I’ve barely been able to walk on it for days. 

Okay okay now I’m starting to sound like an old person who goes on for 20 minutes about a bruise. I either feel like I talk about my arthritis too much or not enough. Sometimes I think about starting one of those Instagram accounts that track my journey with JIA but that seems like old news to me since I’ve been dealing with this for the past 10 years. I’m an old veteran, dealing with chronic illnesses before they were cool! Like my arthritis isn’t something horrible that’s happened to me, it’s just a part of who I am. Also I’ve told my story what feels like a billion times that it’s just boring. It’s just a thing that happened and I honestly can’t remember a time when I didn’t have it and while I definitely respect and think that it’s beneficial for some people to talk about it, I’m just not sure if want to be one of those people who talk about it constantly? I’d much rather be remembered for something I made happen rather than something that happened to me. 

I’ve accepted by now that this is just going to be an outpouring of my thoughts, most of which won’t make sense but as stated in the title: I NEED TO WRITE AGAIN. Over the past year, creating content has become such a huge part of my life which is something I never saw coming when I started this blog a little over 2 years ago. Since then I’ve expanded into poetry and art. Yet, for the most part, I still feel like a fraud. It’s as though there’s this stereotype that exists for most creators, whether they’re on YouTube or Etsy or WordPress. It’s artsy people who all they have is their art. Maybe college was never really for them or they left college to pursue a YouTube career and was able to leave their dead end job and pursue what they were really passionate about. But that’s just not me and it never will be. I know with enough time and effort, all the projects I have can grow to be bigger than myself and that if I was consistent, I could really grow my following. But then with that comes an obligation that I really can’t fulfill. And most of the time I don’t feel like I should be calling myself a writer or an artist. But I also don’t feel smart enough to call myself a scientist. It’s weird. Do other people feel this way too? I have so many different interests that I can never talk about them all. From my Instagram and blog, you could hardly tell that I’m a science person and that 90% of my time goes to crying over math homework at 3 am. This whole thing is starting to feel like it would be better as a YouTube video but I don’t have the time to be a YouTuber. WHY MUST THE WORLD BE FILLED WITH SO MANY AWESOME THINGS THAT I DONT HAVE TIME FOR?!?! 

Anyways, this post has been a mess. I’m going on a trip with my family over the weekend so hopefully that’ll give me some time to work on my art and write more! Congrats if you made it to the end of this. Really, you’re amazing. Happy New Year everyone ! 


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