Dear Best Friend,
I expect this will be the last time you hear from me, if I am not already blocked on here, I know I will be after this. To be clear, I am not trying to make excuses with this letter, the first thing I thought to myself after reading your letter was that it didn’t matter ultimately if any of what you said was true, only that I made you feel like they were and even though I don’t know how, I am beyond sorry that I did. I just spent the last hour going over our skype conversations. Reading and re-reading what was said, searching for…well, I don’t even know. I guess I’m searching for a reason, trying to pinpoint the moment you decided you didn’t want me in your life anymore. I am biased, certainly. But what I don’t understand is how could I be this blind? Were there signs? Or did you hide those too?
I keep looking for this great darkness you must have seen in me to cause you to abruptly cut me out of your life after 6 years of friendship. Was it abrupt or long overdue? These are the questions that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I just want you to know that I truly wanted to know you and now I will never know what I said to make you think that I didn’t or wouldn’t like the real you.
Go ahead, accuse me of having been arrogant, because I was. But what 13-year-old doesn’t either have either a low self-esteem or an inflated sense of self? You know who broke that in me and why.
Go ahead, tell me I am immature. Because I was and sometimes still have my moments of pettiness. But what young teen girl, trying to find out who she is doesn’t? My only problem is that I spoke so much so I couldn’t hide it as well as I assume most do.
Go ahead, tell me I lack perspective. Because I do. And I have never claimed to possess a great wealth of it. I am young and this is my first year out in the world. Of course, I don’t have age or experience on my side. Not many of us do at 18 but we’ll get there with time.
I had a problem when I was 14 with neglecting you because I got caught up with others and their drama. But that was 4 years ago and I have since apologized profusely. It was an immature mistake but also one that I believe was inevitable with our distance. Now? I am a busy college student trying to balance school, work, family, friends, and my deteriorating health. I made a promise to myself awhile back that I would always make time for you but people get busy and overwhelmed with life. That is just how life is. People, friends, struggle to keep in touch and sometimes cease to but when they do, it is of no malicious intent, it just happens, despite our best intentions.
I respect that you felt like you had to free yourself of me and my emotionally draining ways. I know I can kinda be a roller coaster of emotions sometimes and I change my opinions so fast that it can be hard, impossible even, to keep up. It is similar to how I felt when I cut loose someone who was in my life last semester when I mentally couldn’t handle the drama anymore. That’s why I am not angry and I never was when I read the letter, just confused. I could never be angry with you and if you ever need someone to talk to or find yourself in a bad situation that you need help getting out of, really if you need anything I am here for you always because you are my friend and I care about you and I keep telling myself if I had only said any of this to you when I wasn’t blocked from your life, then maybe that would’ve made a difference.
I have made so many mistakes in my life and many in this past year, most of which I can’t fix. And I will continue to make many more. Situations have been handled poorly, harsh words have been said and friendships have been lost. That’s life I suppose and now I must deal with it. Through all of it, I have learned that I am not the hero or the victim in this story, but neither am I the villain. Life is way too complicated to be fit into novel cliches. Life is nothing like we dreamed or read about when we were kids and full of hope about the world that we were about to embark into.
Even though I can tie up this letter with a pretty little bow, I know and accept that I can never do that with our friendship. Nothing ever ends softly or has a clear beginning like in books. There is no “Once upon a time” or “It all began when…”. I don’t get a do-over or a second chance. I don’t get to be the hero of my story and I certainly don’t get a say in how my choices and words affect others. And even if I did, I don’t deserve it.
All I know is that you were my best friend and I took you for granted. You were right in saying that I don’t get to fix this, that’s not what this is. This is a warning. To myself in the future. So that I never repeat such a horrendous mistake as this again.