It has been awhile. 6 months or so. I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to blog again but hey I’m here again for some reason. I’m not really sure where to begin. A lot has happened. Especially with my arthritis. That’s what I wanted to write about because some nights I still cry myself to sleep when I remember the overwhelming pain and loneliness I was feeling for all those months. I’m finally on the road to healing, both mentally and physically but I know I’ll be at it for awhile longer.
I am not very kind to myself and a lot of times I am not kind to others and that has led to a lot of suffering on my part in the past 6 months or so. I wasn’t kind to my body. I treated it like a thing to beat, the enemy. I’ve been at war for long with my thoughts and with my immune system. There has been a war within my bones and within my mind and instead of trying to stop it, I just tried to fight. I’ve been asking myself for so long: ‘How do you fight what’s inside of you?’ The answer? Stop fighting. My body is not a battlefield and I am not some hero riding into battle every time I force my body to do something in spite of my disease. You do not attack those who are wounded, you’re supposed to heal them. For so long I deprived my body of the things it needed to heal.
Instead of pushing my body to it’s limits, I learned how to give it rest
Instead of denying the food my body needs to repair itself, I learned how to give it good and safe food. Foods that won’t cause inflammation. Foods that will make it stronger, not tear it down. And most importantly I learned that instead of being angry with my body for not working like I wanted it to, I needed to be kind. don’t push my limits but take action in way that slowly expanded what I was capable of. People say ‘battling with health’ like we are waging a war with our bodies and minds when instead I learned that what I truly need to fight is the urge to work against what my body needs.
When I was impacted with arthritis back in 2014, I tried to deny that it was a problem, that this disease was a part of me. But I can see now that all I did was further the damage to the point where I am still, almost 4 years later, dealing with the repercussions of my cruelty. I’ve been hurting for so long, both physically and mentally that sometimes I don’t know where to start. But I think now I’m finally starting to heal and let me tell you, it feels pretty damn good.